Tuesday, April 5, 2011

How to Vaccinate Your Cat (A Community Service Announcement)

  1. Get cat carrier off of high garage shelf and dust it off; it's been a year since you used it.
  2. Notice that the cat has seen the "Box of Death" and has opted to retreat to the inner recesses of your daughter's box springs.
  3. Tempt said cat with tuna. Find that this is futile. Notice that you have five minutes to get to the vet.
  4. Call your husband, who comes in with a long pole. He thinks this will help until he realizes that the cat is INSIDE, and not UNDER, the bed.
  5. Have your husband shake the entire bed and scare the %&*# out of the cat. Wait, ready, by the bedroom door.
  6. Grab fleeing cat.
  7. Insert flailing cat hind-end-first into Box of Death. Ignore moans and wails while hauling the now-heavy Box to the car. You are now five minutes late for your appointment.
  8. Arrive at appointment ten minutes late. Apologize for your tardiness and the banshee-like noises coming from the Box of Death.
  9. Find yourself quickly deposited in the nearest available room so the banshee will stop scaring the other unsuspecting pets.
  10. Say hi to the doctor, who now has to extract the furry banshee from the Box of Death, the same one she barely fit in at home.
  11. Let the doctor take the banshee away for shots. Listen to her howling from the waiting room.
  12. Finish the entire appointment in ten minutes so that the banshee can be removed from the premises.
  13. Drive the banshee back home while she screams at you from the Box of Death. Apparently, cat profanity contains many vowels.
  14. Arrive home, open the Box of Death, and watch the banshee disappear. Appreciate the silence.
  15. Wait until your daughter arrives home to extract the cat from under YOUR bed (because hers is clearly no longer safe) and yell at you for mistreating her cat.
  16. Sigh and be grateful that it's over for another year.